What a Conversation with an Ex Taught Me

One day in December, I met my coach at the beach for a magical session. 

She read my journals and I told her how I began dating a man and feeling things I hadn’t felt since my relationship five years ago. All of a sudden, I was met with overwhelming fears and paralyzing anxiety from my former on again off again relationship. Over the years, I developed the belief that relationships for me would always turn into bitterness.

I wrote this fear along with other past beliefs I was holding onto over the years and burned them in a clay bowl. 

The next day, to my surprise I received a text from my ex. We hadn’t talked in two years. This was my first and really only boyfriend. My high school love.

We met in Spanish class and sat across from each other. I remember he’d always make me laugh over his absurd and obnoxious jokes he’d say while our teacher was speaking. At first, I thought he was an asshole because he was so blunt. But later realized he was very caring and just simply honest and I could trust that. During the beginning stages of our friendship, I was getting over my “first” boyfriend of one and a half months after he cheated on me and I cheated on him after. My parents had also just filed for a divorce for the fifth time and that time it stuck. My ex became my safe haven rather quickly. He was my something stable in the midst of all my chaos.

He went from classmate, to best friend, to fuck buddy. Then after six months, we had a real conversation,

Him: I want to talk to you 24/7

Me: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Him: Okay, let’s not talk. Sound good?

Me: Maybe if we talked 24/7 we’d get sick of each other

Him: We’ve been talking for 6 months and I still like you a lottt

Me: I like you a lot and that scares the shit out of me

Him: Why?

Me: I don’t want to get attached. I don’t want to get hurt.

Him: I care too much to hurt you, Shana.

Me: I have trust issues.

I had the screenshot of this conversation saved in my photos for the longest time because we made our relationship official the next day and two weeks later, he sexted another girl. This was the beginning of our on again, off again relationship.

…

After texting that afternoon into the evening, we hopped on a call for three hours and caught up. We were amazed at how fast our younger siblings were growing up, how our town was changing, and how parts of ourselves remained the same after so many years. I thought he was still funny and he claimed my laugh was still the same.

But for the majority of our conversation, we reflected on our former relationship. The one that had begun to haunt me again. To my surprise, we were able to talk about things that once caused us so much pain from a new place of understanding, love, and acceptance. 

Within the call, we recalled deep specific moments that we each forgot about but at the same time kept us unconsciously trapped in fearful beliefs and patterns. But instead of yelling and blaming one another like we previously had, we decided those events were a result of us both being young and not having the experiences and knowledge to act differently. 

While he was talking, I didn’t think of the times he cheated or of his slow journey into a cigarette addiction and drug experimentation. Instead, I recalled how on my junior year of prom, he held an umbrella over my head to protect my hair from the rain when his prized possession was his afro. And how later that night we left prom early because I didn’t feel well and I remember how he rubbed my back and watched my favorite show with me.

During the final moments of our call, he even informed me that I showed him more love than he had ever felt in his life and he saw how much growth I was making and ensured me that I deserved every second of it. He even recalled how one year for his birthday, I wrote 50 things I loved about him on index cards, put them in a box and wrapped it up for him. He told me he still has them. How did I forget about that?

We left the call thanking one another for showing love. 

I needed to know I could bring love to a relationship and not sabotage it like I thought I had.

I needed to know it was safe to feel playful and fun with another man again. 

I needed to know it was safe to want a new relationship again. 

And I needed to personally know that two people can really hurt one another and still be able to hold onto love for each other after, even if that means they cannot be together.

This conversation took power for me to sit through. A kind of power that could never come from dwelling on how many ways he hurt me in our past but one that came from love. The kind of power that is fueled from anger, bitterness, regret, contempt, and sadness is one that pulls everyone down with it. It does not take power to hold onto that power. That kind of power is fake. The real power comes from love. A love that is able to sustain itself through any kind of hurt. This power takes inner strength and courage.

This power forged from a love I have for myself that not only will no longer allow myself to be treated that way because I know the kind of love I desire and deserve but also because I know the kind of love I once held for that man and I honor the girl who endured all that pain because of the amount of love she had for him. I don’t hold onto blame for her. Instead, I’m able to meet her with love for the past and present versions of her. Now, I realize that the love that my ex and I had was no less real than any other deep and genuine love. Our issue was not in the love we had for one another but in the love we had for ourselves. His cheating and my controlling tendencies were a result of self-sabotaging attempts to run away from the kind of love we both deeply felt we didn’t deserve.

With love,

Shana ♡