Looking at Polygamy Differently

Whether you have come here angry or at ease by the title of this blog post, I want to set the record straight by initially stating that this blog is not about me being polygamous or saying we should all be polygamous. However, I had the opportunity to speak with someone who is polygamous and is also a very safe person who I believe has something to teach us about sex and love that can even add value to monogamous relationships. This blog will offer us a rather triggering but advantageous new perspective on how we love ourselves and others.

About a week ago, I met a friend of a friend who shares a lot of my values- healing, safety, living from a place of love, and freedom. We fell into a deep conversation, and I found out that him and his partner have been happily polygamous for a few years, they even help one another get ready for dates with other people. I asked him if he was open to talking about the relationship as I have been curious how polygamous relationships work. His insights on jealousy and trust in relationships was particularly interesting.

When I first met this man, let's call him Robert, we were in a casual conversation about life for a couple hours and he mentioned his partner throughout the entirety of the conversation sharing how amazing she is. He even corrected me on calling her his girlfriend because she is more than that to him, she is his partner who he foresees a future with. Later on, as we got to know one another, Robert began to open up to me about their polygamous relationship. It turns out, his female partner actually initiated this in their relationship when she told him she really loved him, but she did not wish to stop seeing other people. This was interesting to me because in society typically we always associate "cheating" on the man's part. They came to this agreement because they see sex as fun and as a way to connect to other beautiful souls while they see love as unconditional, complete with detachment and freedom therefore polygamy works for them.

Oftentimes, "cheating" whether it be through flirting, having sex, kissing, intimate touching, or developing a deep emotional bond with another person, etc. leads to the ending of a relationship usually, due to jealousy and/or mistrust so how does this couple navigate those things? Robert's insights were very enlightening. He shared with me that "cheating" in a relationship often triggers the other person and therefore shows them their own insecurities. When it comes to their trust in one another, they only have one rule: don't lie, communicate everything. They tell one another everything no matter what. They also do not want to hurt one another and that is their foundation of their relationship. When ill feelings arise within either one of them, they discuss them openly and find that they are able to know themselves as individuals even better with their relationship being polygamous. He reminds us that love is not attachment, it is liberating. It says, "I love you" no matter what even if you "leave" me or hurt me.

Polygamy is seen as "cheating" to most which is seen as a sense of abandonment. When in a spiritual sense, it usually has nothing to do with the other partner. Which begs us to question whether a love like this really is that deep and genuine if something like cheating makes us despise our significant other in an instant? Perhaps that is not love and instead attachment. However, that is not to say you owe the person who "cheats" anything or even staying with them, it just means there should still be a kind of love that remains and that is all that matters. To deny the fact that any love was there in the first place is not fair. Overall, the love that we feel towards others is a reflection of our internal world, even when and especially when, another hurts us in some way such as "abandoning" us through "cheating".

Further, I chose to share this conversation because many of my clients, friends, family, and even myself have been cheated on and I have seen firsthand what this can do to someone's self-esteem, feelings, mental health, and self-image. It is important to keep in mind when someone cheats, in most cases it is not to harm the other person even though the majority of the time it does no matter if there were good intentions. In fact, we have very little control over what someone else chooses to do and any attempt at trying to lessen our partners chances of cheating on us can drive us mad. Let them. If they do, we can decide whether or not to leave.

Several years ago, I was in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man who cheated on me. Truth always has a way of finding me, so I of course found out. I chose to stay. He continued to do it. So, we tried an open relationship, and it ended up not working for us as our trust was deteriorated. Keep in mind we were young, under 20. This relationship powered my fixation in recent years on being cheated on and convinced me that I have some sort of control over putting a stop to it and over my future partner. But I don't and neither do you.

These days, romantic relationships are looking different, and I believe more people are stepping out of their marriages or relationships. That or it is just easier to get caught with social media and technology than it used to be. There are also relationships like the one I have talked about above that are polygamous, open, and ethically non-monogamous. I don't believe everyone should or would even feel comfortable with an arrangement like this. I could also argue that there are dangers to practicing such a relationship. However, I think we can all take something from them.

At the end of the day, our significant others will always trigger us. Our closeness to them and perception of them will always trigger our past in all that we have been through simply because our perception is our past and really our past we have not acknowledged. Yes, even if there is no "cheating" in the relationship. This is an opportunity to go within yourself and discover the old story that is related to the present one and talk with your partner about how to release this narrative and what it means to you in your life currently. Doing this over and over calmly and rationally will bring you two closer and ultimately be one of the most beautiful experiences to know yourself and have your partner know you to that degree as well.

Further, not everyone is going to "cheat" on you, but over time they will probably hurt you in some way even through something as simple as not living up to your expectations of them. It is important to know that God is love and the only perfect love comes from Him or that energy, however you see it. We as humans can tap into this and have pure moments of love but to expect the ones who we are closest with to love us perfectly is asking to be met with disappointment. Trust is an illusion. To expect someone to be 100 percent honest with us all the time, forever is a lot to put on someone. Certainly, we have all told some sort of lie to someone in order to protect them even if it was over the smallest thing. Think of a child maybe even your child who clearly told a little lie, you love them any way. At the end of the day, trust is a decision we make. All that really matters is that we trust ourselves to get through anything life throws at us even heartbreak.

Finally, love is not control either. We cannot stop someone from breaking our heart and any attempt to do so only destroys all the love that lives there in the present. May we mourn every relationship we ruined by trying to control our person to avoid any pain they could cause us only because we were jealous. Control is not love. Control is attachment to an expectation and attachment could never be love. Love says, "I will love you no matter what." It is important for us to acknowledge the love that remains even after being hurt. Afterall, we would not be hurt in the first place, if love was not present in some amount. Denying that love, will only leave us in a cycle of anger, resentment, and bitterness towards our former partner, future partners, life, and even ourselves. Acknowledging the love that was there is the only thing that will help us either stay or move on if it comes down to it.

With love,

Shana Schoone