It's More than Writer's Block: It's the Fight to Keep Control

I’ve had writer’s block for months. It is one of the most frustrating things as a writer because when I am writing, I feel whole and connected to myself. What is writer’s block? I see it as being emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually blocked and I don’t believe you even have to be a writer to experience it. For my writing is not the only thing that has been blocked for the past months. It is deeper than that. It’s like I am blocked from feeling connected to myself.

I spent more than two years writing my book, Mona Listen. During that time I felt connected to myself through every emotion I was able to illustrate through written words. The last time I wrote something was back in February. Now that part of me is missing. But why?

Upon loads of reflection, I have come across the idea that writing is Vulnerable in its entirety. A writer paints their whole mind, heart, and soul into something physical. For two years I wrote to myself- well for the most part. I shared my poems with a few people at first and over time I started sharing poems and essays here and there because I felt a yearning to have my words heard. The feedback I received from them was positive. I found that many people felt the same things that I did. Although my writing is not so much sharing direct emotions but more so stories that convey those feelings. Soon, I felt even more whole after sharing them. However, at the same time I never felt so Vulnerable and Naked like my wounds were exposed.

Perhaps this is due to the way I grew up.

I grew up in a culture of INDEPENDENCE. It was the kind of culture I could be myself in as long as I didn’t show any signs of weakness. I am a strong and ambitious woman yes, but everything comes at a price and my vulnerability that was seen as weakness was the price I paid for years and years to be an independent woman. This meant my need for extreme control over sharing my emotions with others. Then I started writing and reading Brene Brown books. She is a researcher who studies shame, courage, and vulnerability. It was then that I realized my so called independence was costing me my vulnerability or really my ability to be fully seen and heard due to my inability to share my feelings with others.

Most of my life I felt as though I was so different from others. Sometimes that difference was even shameful. So shameful I felt like I was not worthy of love at times. This difference was only an illusion formed around my inability to show who I was at heart with others through being vulnerable because I lived in fear of being seen as weak. But I am learning that vulnerability does not make us weak, it makes us connected. We all have the deep desire to belong and be seen and heard for who we really are. I believe people actually want to know people fully. They want to know their fears, desires, dreams, hardships, and anything else that makes them who they are because in getting to know someone else, they get to further know themselves. For this reason, vulnerability makes us strong because it takes strength to risk being seen as “weak” to belong for who you are. No one can feel as though they belong if they only “belong” for the things that they are not. That is not belonging. We can never truly belong in this world unless we allow all of ourselves to be seen.

I know I am not the only person who grew up in this culture. I know I am not the only person who adopted the deceptive belief systems of an independent culture. I know this because people connect to my writing. The same writing that exists in Mona Listen- the written vulnerability of what it feels like to live in an independent society.

THE REASON I AM BLOCKED is because I have given up the control I once had over hiding my emotions. I gave that up when I published and released Mona Listen. With every copy I sell, I grow more uncomfortable but at the same time I grow more connected. Connected with the individuals who read and feel every emotion displayed in the pages of Mona Listen. The emotions I held onto so long to gain my identity as an independent woman who did not want to be seen as weak from sharing her emotions are being read now by so many people. I am deeper than I have ever been in vulnerability, drowning in it. I am experiencing anxiety due to endangering my old sense of safety in hiding my emotions. It is uncomfortable. It is scary. It is difficult for me to share more of myself because I am clinging onto what little control I have left. But writing makes me feel complete within who I am and in order to write I need to be open and vulnerable. I need to be willing to connect with myself.

It is a period of TRANSITIONING for me.

To let go of the idea that my independence and strength cannot exist alongside my vulnerability. The truth is real strength comes from the ability to risk being vulnerable to be seen for who we are, feelings and weaknesses and all. Emotions like pain, sadness, anger, joy, love, and every emotion in between make us who we are. We never had problems showing them when we were younger. But as we grew up, someone told us it was wrong. It was wrong to feel. So we gave up this part of ourselves so we could belong to our independent society for being someone we are not entirely. We belong for being a robot with no depth in a society where we are longing more and more every day to just be seen for who we really are. Someone will talk to us and not see us because we don't allow them to.

I say I do not regret anything in my life because regrets are lessons. But maybe that is a lie. Because I find myself having one regret- not being able to allow people to truly know me when given the chance.

This is a test the universe has ran on me over and over again. A toxic cycle really. After further investigation into my own life, it affects my romantic relationships the most. I have only been in one real relationship with someone who was the closest to knowing the real me over a span of two years. But this relationship eventually ended in heartbreak which only put more of a guard around sharing my emotions and who I was with anyone else. Unfortunately and fortunately, I met someone soon after who showed me love. But our time together was very short due to both of our inabilities to share our feelings with one another and even ourselves to stop one another from running away from such vulnerability. It was only through my first poem I ever wrote on March 15th, 2019 titled “I Wanna See You Again” that I was able to finally realize these feelings I had kept hidden to not only him but myself. Mona Listen not only tells of this story but of the toxicity that exists in running from vulnerability. But we should be grateful for our ability to address our toxic patterns in attempt to change them and really be strong. This is just one lesson of the 8 lessons of gratitude found in Mona Listen.

In order to practice vulnerability, we first have to admit all of our feelings and allow ourselves to feel them before we are able to share them with others. I call this the healing process. The more years you have hidden these feelings, the harder this time will be. I think that is why I am blocked now- I am fighting these feelings or maybe feeling too much to the point where it’s overwhelming. And it’s fucking hard. But is it worth it? I cannot tell you for sure because I am in the middle of the process where I still want to run but know I should not. Since I am stubborn I will stay here and fight because I believe it is worth it.

It is worth it to belong for who you really are.

Once we give up our desire to hide our emotions and control ourselves to the point we do not let ourselves really be seen, we will be free from the chains we have put ourselves in and rewarded with deeper connections and a sense of real belonging.