The Cost of Holding It All Together: The Difference Between Surviving and Thriving

It’s around 8pm when the garage door opens signaling your husband is home for work. You, your son, and daughter run to bed to fake sleep. This lasts for about an hour until he is passed out on the couch from drinking. By now, you and your kids have learned that dad is not a safe place. On nights like this, it is much safer to fake sleep rather than try to hold a civil conversation with him. 

For years, this is how Audrey lived her daily life before finally being able to divorce her husband. She had to hold her and her children’s lives together for several years. When she was sick, she was not able to go to the hospital. She was afraid to even tell her husband about something as simple as the dishwasher breaking because he would be quick to blame it on her with his anger. One time she had kidney stones over the holidays and had to wait to go to the hospital in fear she would be accused of “ruining his holidays”. Oftentimes, she was isolated and did not have a car. When she did have a car, it wasn’t uncommon for him to take the air out of her tires so she couldn’t leave. She lived in constant chaos. This looked like continuing to put her own needs to the side, shrinking herself, being hypervigilant to ensure everything was put together for her husband, and pretending everything was perfect publicly. 

Over the years, Audrey has faced a lot of loss coupled with the dying marriage. Fifteen years ago, she woke up and was in extreme pain when she walked. Ever since then, she has struggled with neuropathy. A few years ago, her father passed away. She was living in his house until it was taken away. Then shortly after his passing, her teenage daughter was pregnant. That grand baby was only 6 months old when she passed away from SIDS. All of this loss and fight made it extremely difficult for Audrey to continue to hold it all together emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. Soon she was faced with homelessness. During our call, she said, “I didn’t know how to be homeless.” No one does until they are in that situation. Fortunately, she had contact with a church through family ties, they were able to supply a hotel for her and her kids for a few weeks. At the time, she was disabled and did not have a lot to show for at the time. It wasn’t until a friend from Florida whom she met on TikTok offered to cosign on an apartment for her that she was able to get back on her feet. This meant the world to her because most of her blood line wasn’t living in the states and therefore not able to be of much support. But this TikTok friend and her talk every day even though they do not live in the same state. This friend even made it a point to call the funeral home to make arrangements when her grand baby passed away. 

This was the first time in a long time that anyone picked up the slack and helped Audrey out so she could breathe. This gesture told her that she no longer was alone in this world. Someone cared about her. Now she sees the world with a lens of more kindness knowing that unconditional love still does exist. It shows up in her everyday life. Even when she is on the freeway and someone cuts in front of her, she assumes they are just having a bad day. This experience also reassured her that she was worthy of compassion and tenderness after years of feeling like she was worthless. 

This serves as a beautiful reminder that love does not only have to come from family, but it can also come from people who we have not even known for a long period of time. All the more reason for us to find the courage to ask for help so we have the opportunity to be held emotionally by someone else. We do not have to do it all alone even if that is all we have known for years. And yes, there are always miserable people out there who are unhappy with themselves and their lives, that they put that same feeling onto those they are closest to. However, there are others out there who are lights, always looking to spread love and kindness with everyone they meet. It is our job to see that we are worthy of love and not accept anything less. Then we must go out and spread that to each soul we connect with. 

THAT'S LOVE.

Shana Schoone writes “The Heart of Omaha,” a weekly column celebrating all the ways love is shown in the O.