I’m Still That B****: Redefining Motherhood Without Losing Yourself

What does it look like to talk about motherhood and womanhood in a real and honest way? How does it actually reshape your identity? No false toxic positivity behind it highlighting only the pregnancy glow and opportunity to hold life inside your womb. While also not having to lose yourself and sacrifice everything in the process. We hear from V in this column and how her daily mantra, “I’m that b****” has helped her be a better mom for daughter and a better person for her man and herself. 

When V found out she was pregnant, she had only been with her man for four months. She was terrified and recalled the call she made to him about her pregnancy. At the time, she was working in HR for a company. For once in her life, she felt like she was on top of the world. She had confidence and a good paying job. But her discovery reminded her of the little girl version of herself who always wanted to be a mom. It didn’t take long for her man and her to decide it would be best for her to step away from work for a while to be more present in their daughter’s life. V realized over the years, she had become the career woman she never set out to be. In a way, having her daughter healed the part of her that told her her value was strictly related to work. This was just the beginning of the massive shift motherhood brought her. 

In the early months of being a mother, V quickly realized it wasn’t just her anymore. This was a hard pill to swallow at first. She remembers not receiving any gifts her first Christmas with her daughter. All the gifts went to her baby. Initially, she was hurt by this. Until this ended up being the biggest blessing for her. While I was talking with V, she talked with such admiration whenever she spoke about her partner and how much he has made her a better person. She ended up telling me about her family history of alcoholism. When she was living alone, she would often skip dinner and have several drinks then pass out. It wasn’t odd for her to be out at the bars every weekend either. Then when her daughter came into the picture, she of course didn’t drink during pregnancy. However, the first time she drank after, she ended up blacking out. Instead of cussing her out, her partner reaffirmed she was an amazing mother and he wanted to build a healthy family with her. But that could not happen if she continued to live like this. It really meant something to her to be met with such kindness in that moment. He also has helped heal her body image issues she, like so many other women, has dealt with over the years. She shared that after a few weeks of having her daughter, she would walk into their bedroom and her partner would hype her up, “Oo look at you coming in here with that baby.” He is her biggest cheerleader. 

V explained to me that it is true. Motherhood does change you like they say except it doesn’t have to change you negatively. Every day is what you make it. In previous years, V was put on medication after being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Because of this, she is able to show up for her daughter fully. From the very beginning of our call, she was saying she was “that b****” meaning that just because she is a mom, she is still herself. She still lives each day with intention, makes time for herself, gets dolled up, and goes out into the world. Now she just has a baby bestie to do things with. 

The hardest part of motherhood is not what you think it would be. It’s not the everyday tasks but instead, the thoughts. After some reflection, V shared that the world got bigger when she had a child. It got scarier. She lost more control. Now she has to protect her daughter from everything. Even something as little as the sunshine can harm her daughter if she isn’t wearing sunscreen. Because her heart grew, so did her fears and potential pain like the idea that she will not always be able to be here for her child. Because of this, she is very intentional with how she raises her. She doesn’t just want to pass down toughness and self-protection to her daughter but also wants to give her permission to be a girl. Growing up V remembers her girlhood as unhealthy where girls would befriend one another based off of their hate for one another. This is something I relate to myself. She wants to teach her daughter to become a woman who is more emotionally intelligent to walk away from friendships like that. Her daughter will know that she is valuable and is worthy of pure love at a young age. She doesn’t have to change who she is or sacrifice herself in the process. Instead, she will learn boundaries and that her needs are important. 

Having a baby girl has helped V change the narrative of what it means to be a woman. It is okay to be softer. It is not all on you to hold everything and everyone together. You do not have to do it all. Makeup is not for being pretty but for being creative. And yes you can have friendships based on authenticity rather than gossip. Most importantly, when you are no longer living for yourself, you don’t just have more love to give but you also have more love to receive. Lastly, being a mother means you have little eyes on you all the time. Watching everything you do down to how you talk to yourself. That is a great way to grow as a person through deepened self-awareness and self-love. 

THAT'S LOVE.

Shana Schoone writes “The Heart of Omaha,” a weekly column celebrating all the ways love is shown in the O.