39,000 Lost: What One Friendship Teaches Us About Male Suicide

In 2023, 49,319 Americans died by suicide. Men made up 80 percent of that number making it roughly 39,000 men dying by suicide just in that one year. I had the privilege of talking with Gabino about how his childhood friendship saved him countless times from this idea that as a man he had to suffer in silence.

This friendship started when they were eight years old after Gabino saw some kids being mean to Squeaky. He thought, "He's weird and I'm different, we could be good friends." Squeaky doesn't know how to handle social interactions and Gabino was one of the few Hispanic kids in school. Like many naturally meaningful friendships, it was difficult for him to pinpoint one specific moment that they became friends. It was a slow burn. Since the two lived by one another, they often hung out after school together. They know one another's flaws and don't use them against them but instead help them navigate life despite it. Gabino describes himself as a hot head and says that Squeaky grounded him and even kept him out of jail on certain occasions while Gabino offers guidance during Squeaky's struggles to interact with others and reach certain milestones in life. Simply put, they just understand one another's thought processes. They get a "pass" when they annoy one another because they have become brothers over the years.

Gabino was raised by strong and masculine men from Mexico. He was taught to deal with his emotional pain and problems on his own. If it was too much, he should turn to drinking it away. But never share his problems or feelings with anyone else in an attempt to not be seen as weak. Giving people one less thing to hassle him for since he was one of the few Hispanics in school.

Even through a screen, Gabino had a grounded stillness about him. I could feel his masculine presence. So, it was an honor to see his tears shed as he told me how his childhood friendship ended up saving him many times. Men are not encouraged to share their emotions making it even more difficult for them to navigate vulnerable times. After suffering a stroke at 32 years old, he lost many friendships. However, his friend Squeaky was there for him nearly every day helping him stand up, go to the bathroom, and bathe. "Men's worthiness for love and compassion is often tied to what they can provide to the people in their lives" Gabino explained to me. At that time, his wife was the bread winner as he got fired after suffering his stroke and not being able to work during the year long recovery process. Gabino shared this was a very difficult and vulnerable time for him as he was previously a workaholic who often worked 16-hour shifts. Everything he was able to provide as a man was stripped from him. His wife, Squeaky, and another friend were the few people who were still there for him as he grew into this new identity- how he would live after his stroke.

What stays with him the most is that while most of his friends made excuses to not be there for him during his recovery, Squeaky was still with him nearly every day that year. He could have easily made these same excuses as he didn't even have a car of his own and still found a way to get to Gabino's every day to support him. Growing up, Gabino was told people do not care about your problems especially as a man. They only care about what you can give to them. During this time, Gabino could not offer much to his loved ones. Because of this, he was forced to receive more love than ever before. His stroke robbed him from all his weapons of armor.

Now Gabino wants to remind other men they do not have to suffer in silence. It's okay to reach out to someone and talk whether it's a professional, a friend, or family member. There have been countless times that these two men have talked one another off the ledge. "I would have to get up early in the morning for work but if Squeaky needed me at 2am, I would be there just to help him get through it." Previously, Gabino lost a cousin to suicide. He recalls sharing a meal with him the night before and nothing feeling off. He spent years replaying that day to see if he missed anything. He thought if he could find something, anything he missed then he could have prevented it. He needed someone to blame even if that person was himself to have some sort of control over this tragedy. But he was never able to remember anything being off. Like many men, his cousin hid his pain too well. Gabino wants to tell other men to not be afraid to talk to people. Men are worth of love and compassion. There are people out there who want to help them and be there for them. And yes, their absence would be felt years later. They are needed and not just for what they can provide.

This story reminds us that vulnerability is not weakness but instead strength as it goes against the societal pressure for men to deal with things on their own. Gabino offers us a new perspective. If more men were able to find this strength to be vulnerable perhaps it would lead to more men being around to be fully present in their loved one's lives. For every man lost too soon, there was a little child, cousin, brother, sister, mother, father, or friend who faced more pain from their loss. There was someone or really many people who would have loved the opportunity to hold space for them to not have to lift the weight of the world off of themselves. We are so lucky to have men in our lives who want to protect us even at the expense of themselves, but it is time that these men allow themselves to be loved in return. We are stronger together.

Shana Schoone writes “The Heart of Omaha,” a weekly column celebrating all the ways love is shown in the O.